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Attitude Adjustment Archive

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The Newsletter Archive

Late-night monologue energy meets current events meets shirts you'll actually wear. Every week: one lead story, three shirt drops, one Onion-style parody, one discount code. Unsubscribe if you want. The news will still be like this.

All Issues

October 14, 2026 · Issue No. 27

Pentagon Blocked a Senator from the Air Base He Helps Fund. Same Day Drones Hit a U.S. Embassy.

Sen. Murphy, Armed Services Committee, denied access to Al Udeid Air Base. No explanation. The Pentagon’s position: congressional oversight is fine in theory, inconvenient in practice.

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October 6, 2026 · Issue No. 26

The White House and Six AI Companies Signed a Safety Pact That Is Binding in Every Way Except Legally

No penalties. No public audits. No enforcement. The President called it "morally binding," a legal category found in no statute anywhere. Every signatory agreed immediately.

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September 29, 2026 · Issue No. 25

The President Announced That "Artificial Intelligence" Is Being Renamed "Super Intelligence"

"The word artificial makes intelligence sound fake," he explained at the UN. The State Department had a memo out within hours. An entire field of computer science, rebranded from a podium.

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September 22, 2026 · Issue No. 24

The President's $200M Arch Now Doubles as a Sniper and Drone Facility, Apparently

"Top grade Military Complex," he called it, in a post that reportedly caught his own staff by surprise. It was never in the original blueprints. Veterans suing to stop it remain unimpressed.

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September 15, 2026 · Issue No. 23

On a State Visit to Ireland, the President Floated Irish Unification. As a Guest. Out Loud.

Not his first pass at a map that isn't his. Greenland, Canada, now Ireland. Officials responded with the patience of people who've had this exact conversation before.

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September 8, 2026 · Issue No. 22

Canada's Retaliatory Tariffs Kick In Today, Right On Schedule With the President's Favorite Word

Dollar-for-dollar countermeasures land the same day as his 50% tariffs on Canadian goods. He still calls "tariff" the most beautiful word in the dictionary.

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September 1, 2026 · Issue No. 21

The President Signed an Executive Order Renaming Lake Ontario to "Lake America"

A 400-year-old name, crossed out by executive order, over a trade dispute. "We have a gulf and we have a lake," he explained. "Now all we need is an ocean."

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August 25, 2026 · Issue No. 20

The President Told a Crowd That Grass Is Very Happy, and Nobody Has Explained Why Since

No metaphor. No setup. Just grass, being happy, apparently, if you happen to be it. Cable news ran the clip for two full cycles.

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August 18, 2026 · Issue No. 19

Italian Museums Keep Getting Robbed, and the Timing Is Somehow Always Perfect

Three paintings recovered near Parma on Friday. Four more stolen in Sicily by Saturday night, during a festival that had the whole city looking the other way. Nobody was watching. That was the point.

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August 11, 2026 · Issue No. 18

The President Secretly Switched Planes Using a Catering Truck, and His Own Press Corps Had No Idea

Air Force One took off as a decoy. The real flight left in a catering truck, bound for a different plane. Congress found out from the news. So did the people sitting on the decoy.

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August 4, 2026 · Issue No. 17

A Disgraced President Is Having a Moment, and Nobody Under 30 Can Explain Why

Vintage campaign posters are outselling estimates. A historian confirmed the coat is "doing a lot of work." Nixon-core is trending and nobody has read a single page about Watergate.

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July 28, 2026 · Issue No. 16

The President's Team Called a Third Term "Just an Idea Being Discussed," Which Is How All the Worst Ideas Begin

The 22nd Amendment is two sentences long and has never been ambiguous. Merchandise vendors already have hats. Actual hats. For a year the Constitution currently prohibits.

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July 21, 2026 · Issue No. 15

New Tariffs on Canada Announced, and Somehow the Maple Syrup Aisle Is the Front Line

Grocery shelf tags moved within 48 hours. Lumber ticked up. Canada responded with the specific restraint only a country famous for apologizing can manage.

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July 14, 2026 · Issue No. 14

President Accidentally Recognizes New Nation at NATO Summit, Also Mistakes Zelenskyy for Putin

"We had 111 missiles shot by the Islamic Republic of Japan," he told reporters, of a country that existed for exactly as long as a press conference. Iran was, notably, the country that actually fired them.

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July 7, 2026 · Issue No. 13

America Turned 250, the Supreme Court Gave Trump More Power, and It Was 112 Degrees in Phoenix

Happy birthday, America. A time capsule was buried. A speech was given at Mount Rushmore. The Fed remains independent. The grid does not.

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June 30, 2026 · Issue No. 12

The Supreme Court Had a Week, Venezuela Had Two Earthquakes, and a Senator Discussed a Ruling He Hadn't Read

Five major rulings in four days. Twin earthquakes. Tulsi Gabbard and a cult. A Senator made four TV appearances about a document he was "very engaged with" but had not opened.

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June 23, 2026 · Issue No. 11

America's AI Data Centers Are Drinking All the Water and Using All the Power and It's Fine, Apparently

By 2030, AI data centers will consume electricity for 650 million people and water for 1.3 billion. The data is booming. The aquifer is not.

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June 16, 2026 · Issue No. 10

SpaceX IPO'd at $1.77 Trillion, Making Musk the World's First Trillionaire, the Same Week the Knicks Won the NBA Title

One trillion dollars. The first Knicks title since 1973. The ceasefire in its fifteenth week. Someone got booed at MSG and called the crowd "very enthusiastic."

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June 9, 2026 · Issue No. 9

Rubio Told Congress He'd Never Seen the President Fall Asleep. Then a Congressman Played the Tape.

The tape existed. The tape was in the room. The tape was played. We've never seen that.

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June 2, 2026 · Issue No. 8

The President Threatened to "Blow Up" Oman, a Country That Was Just Hosting the Peace Talks

Oman provided the venue, the bottled water, and the good chairs. And now, apparently, a target. Nice venue. Terrible guests.

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May 26, 2026 · Issue No. 7

New Disclosures Show the President Made Up to $750 Million in Stock Trades, Including Nvidia, Right Before a Big Nvidia Decision

The trades were managed entirely by third parties. The third parties had excellent timing. We are not saying anything. We are just saying.

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May 19, 2026 · Issue No. 6

The S&P Hit an All-Time High and Someone on Television Said We're Still in the "Second or Third Inning"

AI stocks up 30% in a week. Memory chips having a moment. One fund manager told television we are still early. We have heard this before.

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May 12, 2026 · Issue No. 5

The Jobs Report Came In Strong and Everyone Agreed That Everything Is Fine

The macro numbers say the economy is thriving. The news says everything is on fire. Both things are apparently true, simultaneously, forever.

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May 5, 2026 · Issue No. 4

Tim Cook Is Out at Apple and the Transition Was Somehow the Calmest Thing to Happen This Week

The world's most valuable company changed CEOs like it was a calendar update. Meanwhile, Live Nation lost an antitrust case. The convenience fee may not survive.

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April 28, 2026 · Issue No. 3

A Top Official Floated Replacing Iran With Italy at the World Cup, Which Is a Real Sentence

Italy hasn't qualified since 2014. Iran is at war with the host country. Diplomacy found a creative solution. Forza Nobody.

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April 21, 2026 · Issue No. 2

The President Called the Pope "Weak on Crime," Then Posted an AI Image of Himself as Jesus

One Sunday. Two theological incidents. Unlimited shirt potential. The ceasefire entered its second week. The war was supposed to last two weeks.

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April 14, 2026 · Issue No. 1

America and Iran Agreed to Stop Fighting for Two Weeks, Which Is a Sentence That Exists Now

A 40-day war. A 104-minute deadline. A ceasefire described by its own architects as "fragile." We had questions. We made shirts about it.

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