Issue No. 5 - Tuesday, May 12, 2026

May 12, 2026

The Lead Story

The Jobs Report Came In Strong This Week, Which Is Either Great News or a Sign That Nothing Means Anything Anymore

Despite a war that's closed a major global shipping lane, sent oil prices spiking, and is now well past the 'two weeks' mark by roughly a month and a half, this week's jobs report came in stronger than expected. Hiring is up. Unemployment is steady. By every traditional metric, the economy is fine. Great, even. Thriving.

Meanwhile, the U.S. launched a new naval mission specifically to reopen the Strait of Hormuz, which a foreign government had simply closed, the way you might close a door. The Supreme Court also temporarily restored nationwide access to a medication abortion pill, which is the kind of sentence that used to be a headline on its own and is now wedged between a jobs report and a shipping lane update.

We are reaching a strange equilibrium where the macro numbers say everything is fine and the actual news says everything is on fire, and both of these things are apparently true at the same time, forever, now.

In labor news, workers across the country participated in a 'No School, No Work, No Shopping' demonstration this week — a one-day economic boycott that, notably, did not appear to affect the jobs numbers at all, which tells you something about which numbers actually get measured.

Headline Thread

THE NUMBERS
ARE FINE

Shop this design → attitudeshirts.com The Numbers Are Fine T-Shirt

A small chart, going gently upward, regardless of context. The numbers are fine. Everything else is a separate conversation.

Unsolicited Opinions

Three things that needed to be said. You're welcome.

I · On Performance Reviews

"Exceeds Expectations" and Other Things Nobody Believes

"Exceeds Expectations (Citation Needed)"

Office memo typography. For the annual review that took longer to write than your actual raise was worth.

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There is a specific corporate ritual where a manager tells you that you 'exceed expectations' in a tone reserved for telling someone their dog has, unfortunately, passed. The phrase is technically positive. The delivery suggests otherwise. You will nod. You will say thank you. You will receive a raise that, after inflation, is best described as 'symbolic.' The numbers, as we've established, are fine.

II · On Unofficial Leadership

Somebody Has Been Running This the Whole Time and It Was Never You

"Queen Bee"

For the one who runs the group chat, the calendar, and the entire household — and has never once held the title.

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Every friend group, family, and office has exactly one person quietly keeping the whole operation running, and it is never the person whose name is on the org chart. She books the reservation. She remembers the anniversary nobody else wrote down. She sends the reminder text at 8am so nothing falls apart. Nobody elected her. Nobody pays her extra. She just started running things one day, the way queens always have.

III · On Self-Care

You Took a Mental Health Day and Spent It Doing Chores

"Mental Health Day (Laundry Edition)"

For the day off that became three loads of laundry and a deep clean of the fridge, somehow.

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A day off is supposed to be restorative. Instead it becomes three loads of laundry, a fridge clean-out, and the unshakable feeling that you've done more 'work' on your day off than you did at your actual job, except none of it shows up on a calendar or a paycheck.

The Fake News Desk

Omaha, Nebraska · Attitude Adjustment Wire Service

AREA WOMAN'S '5-MINUTE TASK' BEFORE BED TAKES 47 MINUTES, ENDS WITH REORGANIZED PANTRY

Omaha resident Linda Pruett, 52, set out at 10:14pm to 'just quickly put away the clean dishes' before bed. By 11:01pm, she had reorganized her entire spice cabinet alphabetically, discovered three expired sauces, and texted her sister a photo captioned 'you won't believe what I found behind the rice.'

'I don't know what happened,' Pruett told reporters. 'I opened the cabinet to put away the colander and then I just... kept going. There was a system in there that hadn't been touched since 2019. I had to fix it. I HAD to.'

Pruett's husband, reached for comment from the couch, said he 'heard some noises' around 10:30 but 'assumed it was fine' and continued watching television. He confirmed he did not investigate.

Pruett went to bed at 11:14pm, one hour after her original task, and reported feeling 'strangely at peace' despite having to be awake in six hours.

— Attitude Adjustment Wire Service, which is not a real wire service

"Just One More Thing" Before Bed

A checklist with no end. For the 10pm productivity surge nobody asked for.

Fake News Desk Drop → Shop Now

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JOBSGOOD20

20% off all shirts featured in this issue

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Expires Friday, May 15 at Noon MST.

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