Issue No. 23 - September 15, 2026
During a state visit to Ireland last week, the President mused publicly about the possibility of a united Ireland, a live political question that has shaped decades of fragile peace on the island. He offered the opinion the way someone might comment on a stranger's home renovation while standing in their kitchen.
It was not, notably, his first pass at redrawing a map that isn't his. He has floated purchasing Greenland from Denmark on multiple occasions, and has repeatedly referred to Canada as a hypothetical “51st state,” each time delivered with the same casual confidence of someone rearranging furniture that belongs to somebody else.
Nobody asked. That has, historically, never been the requirement.
Headline Thread
COUNTRIES THAT
AREN'T HIS
Ireland united? Greenland purchased? Canada, the 51st state? A running bit at this point, delivered with the same energy as someone redecorating a house they don't own and were never invited into. Wear it as a scoreboard.
Unsolicited Opinions
The Fake News Desk
LOCAL MAN SAYS “NOTES OF OAK” WITH FULL CONFIDENCE, HAS NEVER ONCE KNOWN WHAT THAT MEANS
Napa Valley tourist Craig Ostrander, 42, described a $14 glass of red wine as having “notes of oak, definitely, and something bold happening in the finish” on Saturday, a review three separate people at the table found convincing enough to nod along with.
“I don't know what any of those words mean,” Ostrander admitted afterward. “I heard someone say ‘notes of oak’ on a show once. I've just been saying it ever since. It works every time.”
Friends confirmed Ostrander has never once been asked to elaborate, largely because nobody else at the table understands the terminology either, and everyone has quietly agreed to accept each other's confident nonsense as fact. The wine, for the record, was a $14 bottle purchased forty minutes earlier at a gas station.
Ostrander says he plans to say “bold” about at least one more thing before the trip ends, possibly a cheese.
