Issue No. 21 - September 1, 2026
Flanked by two large maps in the Oval Office, one labeled “Making the Great Lakes Even Greater,” the President signed an executive order last Thursday changing the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America,” effective immediately, escalating a trade war with Canada into cartography.
“‘Lake of America’ was something I’ve been thinking about for a long time,” the President told reporters. “We have a gulf and we have a lake. Now, all we need is an ocean. So, maybe we’ll have to change the name of the Atlantic and/or the Pacific. Maybe we’ll change them both.”
The Interior Department has 30 days to update federal databases and remove all references to the old name, though the order carries no authority over Canada, international bodies, or your own personal Google Maps app, which several critics gleefully pointed out. Experts have started calling the broader pattern “toponymic narcissism.” We’re just calling it a shirt.
Headline Thread
AMERICA
Because Insecurity Met Immaturity. A 400-year-old name, crossed out by executive order, over a trade dispute about dairy quotas. History will remember this exactly as seriously as it deserves, which is to say: printed on a shirt.
Unsolicited Opinions
The Fake News Desk
FLUSHED WITH SUCCESS, PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES RENAMING OF REMAINING FOUR GREAT LAKES, CITES “MOMENTUM”
Just days after successfully renaming Lake Ontario to “Lake America,” the President returned to the Oval Office podium Monday to announce that Lakes Michigan, Huron, Erie, and Superior would also be receiving new names, citing what he called “incredible momentum” and “a really beautiful map situation developing.”
“We're not stopping at one lake. Why would we stop at one lake? We have four more, they're right there, nobody's using the names anyway,” the President said, gesturing at a new map reportedly assembled the night before out of poster board and, according to one staffer, “a significant amount of tape.”
Under the proposal, Lake Superior would become “Lake Superior, Actually, Objectively, No Argument.” Lake Michigan and Lake Huron are slated for “Lake Michigander” and “Lake You're Welcome,” respectively. Lake Erie, sources say, was simply going to be left alone, because nobody in the meeting could think of anything, and also because saying its new proposed name out loud made three separate staffers laugh in a meeting they were trying to take seriously.
Governors of all four bordering states have declined to comment, citing a strong preference for maps that do not change on a weekly basis. The Board on Geographic Names has requested, politely, that everyone please stop.
