Issue No. 20 - August 25, 2026

August 25, 2026

The Lead Story

The President Told a Crowd That Grass Is Very Happy, and Nobody Has Explained Why Since

At a campaign rally in Myrtle Beach last week, the President veered mid-sentence into a comment about grass. Not a metaphor. Not a setup for a joke. Just grass, being happy, apparently, if you happen to be it.

The remark arrived with no visible connection to whatever he had been saying a moment earlier, and was followed by no elaboration whatsoever. He simply moved on, the way you'd continue a normal conversation, while a stadium of people quietly processed what they had just heard.

Clip services and cable news ran the line for two full news cycles. Nobody at the network could offer a theory. Nobody at the rally asked a follow-up question. The grass, for its part, had no comment.

It joins a small but growing genre of remarks this administration produces that require no context to be funny and no context to be explained, because there isn't any. We are simply better for having heard it, and so, we assume, is the grass.

Headline Thread

IF YOU'RE
GRASS

Shop this design → attitudeshirts.com If You're Grass You're Very Happy T-Shirt

A direct quote, printed exactly as delivered, with exactly as much explanation as the original. We are not going to be the ones to ruin it by making sense of it. Some sentences are better left exactly as confusing as they arrived.

Unsolicited Opinions

Three things that needed to be said. You’re welcome.

I · On Outlaw Energy You Did Not Ask For

Some People Reach a Certain Age and Simply Become a Motorcycle Gang of One

“Bad to the Bone”

Skeleton biker gang aesthetic. For the person whose Tuesday errands now require a leather vest, emotionally if not literally.

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There is a specific transformation that happens to certain people once they hit a certain point in life, and it has nothing to do with wisdom or maturity. It's an outlaw switch, and it flips without warning. One day they are a perfectly reasonable member of society. The next, they are riding to the pharmacy at a menacing idle, sunglasses on, radio low, daring the world to say something about it. Nobody has. Nobody's going to.

II · On Very Specific Requests

There Is a Right Spot and a Wrong Spot, and Only One Person Knows the Difference

“Prick Me Where You Like It”

A voodoo doll with strong preferences and zero interest in explaining them further.

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Everyone has a spot, and everyone is annoyingly specific about where it is, and asking them to just point at it directly has never once worked. You'll get gestures. You'll get vague hints. You'll get "you'll know it when you find it," which is not helpful information, and yet somehow it is the only information anyone is willing to give.

III · On Being Assembled, Not Born

Some People Were Clearly Put Together by Someone Working Off a Rough Draft

“Built Different”

Property of no one. Assembled, not born. Reasonably proud of it.

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Everyone knows someone who was clearly stitched together from spare parts under deadline pressure, and somehow it works out fine. Nothing quite matches. Nothing was built to spec. And yet they walk around functioning better than most people who were assembled properly on the first try. There's a lesson in there somewhere. Nobody's found it yet. The bolts are holding, though, and that's really all anyone can ask for.

The Fake News Desk

Rochester, New York · Attitude Adjustment Wire Service

LOCAL MAN FINDS THE MUTE BUTTON, FOUR MINUTES AND ONE FULL DOG-BARKING INCIDENT TOO LATE

Rochester project manager Alan Trask, 44, spent Thursday's 9am team standup unmuted for a full four minutes, a window that included his dog barking at a delivery driver, a toilet flushing in the next room, and Trask himself audibly saying “are we still doing this” to no one in particular.

“I genuinely didn't know,” Trask said. “I saw the little red icon and I thought that meant I WAS muted. Turns out red means the opposite. That's on me. That's a design flaw and also on me.”

Coworkers confirmed the entire call heard the flush in real time, followed by eleven seconds of nobody saying anything, followed by someone finally typing “Alan you're live” into the chat. Trask says he has since taped a sticky note directly over his webcam reading “CHECK THE ICON,” which he considers a permanent fix.

He has not been able to make eye contact with his manager since. His manager says it's fine. Nobody believes his manager.

— Attitude Adjustment Wire Service, which is not a real wire service

“I Found the Mute (Four Minutes Too Late)”

For everyone who has ever discovered, in real time, in front of witnesses, which icon means what.

Fake News Desk Drop → Shop Now

This Week Only  ·  Featured Shirts

VERYHAPPY20

20% off all shirts featured in this issue

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Expires Friday, August 28 at Noon MST.

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