Let's recap the weekend. On Sunday, the President of the United States posted a long rant on Truth Social criticizing Pope Leo XIV — the actual Pope, leader of 1.4 billion Catholics, occupant of a position that has existed for two thousand years — for being, and we are quoting directly, "weak on crime, and terrible for foreign policy." This is a sentence that was typed by a human being, about the Pope, on purpose.
Later that same night — and we cannot stress enough that this happened on the same Sunday — the President posted an AI-generated image depicting himself as Jesus Christ. No further context was provided. None was requested. None was possible.
Meanwhile, the war that was supposed to end in "two to three weeks" is now in its seventh week, and the Pentagon just announced it's sending 10,000 more troops to the Middle East. Last issue, we made fun of a two-week ceasefire. We would like to formally apologize to two-week ceasefires everywhere. You were doing your best.
In a rare piece of actual good news, Iran has fully reopened the Strait of Hormuz to commercial shipping, which should ease the global energy crisis somewhat. So: the oil is flowing again, the war is in its second month longer than promised, and the leader of the free world spent his Sunday auditioning for a religious promotion. Forward, as always.
Headline Thread
CRIME
Two words. No context. Could be about the Pope. Could be about your DMV. Could be about you, depending on who you ask. The shirt doesn't explain itself and neither will you.
Unsolicited Opinions
The Fake News Desk
LOCAL MAN'S "I'LL JUST WATCH ONE EPISODE" CONFIDENCE RATED HIGHEST RISK FACTOR BY HOME INSURANCE COMPANY
Boise resident Dale Anhalt, 41, has been flagged by his home insurance provider as a "Tier 1 Time Risk" after actuaries determined his Sunday night "I'll just watch one episode and go to bed" statement carries a 94% probability of resulting in a 2am bedtime and a Monday morning that "should not legally be allowed to happen."
The insurance company, Heartland Mutual, says it has begun offering a new rider specifically for households containing at least one person who has said the phrase "we can stop whenever, it's not even that good" about a show they have watched for six consecutive hours.
"We looked at the data," said actuary Renee Folsom. "Dale has said 'one more episode' 340 times this year. He has stopped after one episode four times. Two of those were because the power went out."
Anhalt, reached for comment, said he was "actually about to go to bed" and would "just finish this one thing first." He has not been heard from since.
