After 14 years running the most valuable company on the planet, Tim Cook is stepping down as CEO of Apple, handing the reins to longtime hardware chief John Ternus. The announcement landed with the same energy as a company memo about the new coffee machine — calm, orderly, completely lacking in the chaos we’ve come to expect from literally every other major transition happening anywhere else right now.
Cook took over from Steve Jobs in 2011, when the entire internet assumed Apple would collapse without its founder. Instead, Apple became a four-trillion-dollar company, mostly by selling the same rectangle in incrementally different sizes for a decade and a half. Ternus inherits a company at the center of an AI arms race, ongoing antitrust pressure, and a stock that just helped push the S&P past records.
Elsewhere, a federal jury found that Live Nation violated antitrust law by dominating the live music industry — a ruling more than two dozen states fought for, on behalf of every person who has ever paid an $11 “convenience fee” to click a button.
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A tribute to corporate continuity in an era of none. The rectangle remains. The guy changes. We adapt.
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The Fake News Desk
MAN WHO SAID ‘I’LL TAKE THE STAIRS, IT’S GOOD FOR ME’ ON THE FIRST FLOOR REGRETS DECISION BY FLOOR SEVEN
Cleveland resident Pete Munoz, 38, announced his intention to take the stairs to his seventh-floor dental appointment “as a personal challenge” and “basically free cardio,” according to three witnesses who were also waiting for the elevator and chose not to engage.
By the third floor, Munoz reportedly removed his jacket. By the fifth floor, he was seen sitting on a stair landing “just checking my phone, not resting, checking my phone.” He arrived at the dental office four minutes after the elevator group, sweating, and was asked by the receptionist if he was feeling alright.
“I’m fine,” Munoz said. “Great, actually. Really feeling the burn. This is exactly what I wanted.” He then asked if the office had water. It did not. He left to find a vending machine and took the elevator.
