Somewhere in the last six months, the youths decided that a man who resigned from the presidency in 1974 to avoid impeachment is, and we are quoting a real trend report here, "kind of iconic." Vintage campaign posters are selling for triple their estimate at auction. A twenty-three-year-old on the internet described the peace-sign-on-the-tarmac photo as "just very confident behavior." Nobody involved appears to have read anything about Watergate. That is, apparently, the point.
Historians have been asked to weigh in and have mostly responded with the specific exhaustion of people who spent decades writing carefully footnoted books that are now being outperformed by a jawline and a good coat. "He obstructed justice," one presidential historian said this week, to an interviewer who had asked whether the aesthetic was "very old-money," "but yes, the coat is doing a lot of work."
Retailers, sensing opportunity the way retailers always do, have responded accordingly. There is now a T-shirt for this. There was always going to be a T-shirt for this.
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Retro double-peace-sign portraiture for people who think "enemies list" sounds like a strong personal boundary. History's most rebranded resignation, now available in unisex sizing.
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The Fake News Desk
BILLIONAIRE'S ROCKET SUCCESSFULLY REACHES MARS, DISCOVERS PLANET IS ALREADY FULL OF AMAZON WAREHOUSES
After eleven years, $340 billion in development costs, and one deeply emotional livestream, the first crewed mission to Mars has touched down successfully — and immediately radioed back that the landing site was, in the words of mission commander Priya Deshmukl, "already zoned, paved, and receiving trucks."
Satellite imaging that somehow escaped years of pre-mission planning reveals the Martian surface is home to no fewer than fourteen fulfillment centers, a regional sorting hub, and what appears to be a break room with a poster about optional overtime. A company spokesperson confirmed same-day delivery is not yet available planet-wide but that "two-day is basically guaranteed if you're within the Olympus Mons metro area."
"We came here to plant a flag and make history," said Deshmukl, reached for comment while waiting behind a delivery drone. "Instead I'm being asked if I have a Prime account linked to this mission."
The billionaire funding the expedition has declined to comment directly but did post a photo of himself standing next to a warehouse captioned, simply, "always been here, actually."
