Issue No. 3 - April 28, 2026
Let’s set the scene. The U.S. is hosting the World Cup this summer. Iran qualified. The U.S. is also currently bombing Iran. These two facts were on a collision course for months, and this week they finally collided in the most American way possible: a senior Trump administration official floated the idea of replacing Iran in the tournament with Italy.
Italy, for the record, did not qualify for the World Cup. Italy has not qualified for a World Cup since 2014. The proposal would functionally invite a team that failed to earn its spot to replace a team that did, because the team that did is currently at war with the host country. FIFA has not commented, possibly because there is no comment that does not sound insane.
Meanwhile, an Israeli soldier was filmed destroying a statue of Jesus in southern Lebanon, and Trump announced a three-week extension of the ceasefire — the second extension of a ceasefire that was originally supposed to last two weeks. At this rate the ceasefire will outlive the war it was meant to end, which actually might be the plan.
Headline Thread
NOBODY
A tribute to the Italian national team’s historic streak of not being at the World Cup, now extended through diplomacy. Wear it ironically, wear it sincerely, wear it to a watch party for a tournament your team isn’t in either way.
Unsolicited Opinions
The Fake News Desk
LOCAL HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION ESCALATES MAILBOX DISPUTE TO “FULL CEASEFIRE NEGOTIATION” STATUS
The Westbrook Pines HOA has entered its third week of what board president Carol Anne Steiger is calling “a tense but hopeful diplomatic process” regarding resident Mark Tolliver’s decorative mailbox post, which exceeds the approved height limit by approximately four inches.
Negotiations have included two mediated Zoom calls, a hand-delivered cease-and-desist letter, and what Steiger described as “a verbal ceasefire that lasted about six days before someone mentioned the mailbox again at the pool.”
Tolliver maintains the post was “always that height” and that the HOA’s measuring tape is “clearly an instrument of psychological warfare.” He has reportedly hired a surveyor.
Talks are expected to resume at a future date to be determined by whether anyone wants to go back to the pool.
