Issue No. 13 - July 7, 2026
Happy 250th birthday, America. On July 4th, President Trump delivered a speech at Mount Rushmore that observers described as “darkly political” and “swerving from the typically unifying tone past presidents have struck.” A time capsule was buried at Independence National Historic Park containing materials from all three branches of government, all 50 states, and national partner organizations. The contents of the capsule from the current administration were not disclosed. The capsule is scheduled to be opened in 2076. The people opening it will have questions.
Also this week: the Supreme Court ruled that Trump can fire the heads of independent regulatory agencies, with one exception — the Federal Reserve — which the Court protected in a 6-3 ruling that effectively makes the Fed the last independent institution in the federal government, which is itself a sentence that should probably be on a capsule somewhere. Separately, the Court denied Trump’s bid to end birthright citizenship, upheld grace periods for mail-in ballots, and ruled that cellphone location data is protected by the Fourth Amendment.
Meanwhile, a record heat wave blanketed most of the United States over the July Fourth weekend, with temperatures in Phoenix hitting 112 degrees and emergency rooms reporting high numbers of heat-related illnesses across the Southwest. Data centers across the affected region were asked to switch to backup generators to reduce strain on the grid, which also serves the hospitals treating the people affected by the heat generated by the climate affected by the emissions produced by the energy consumed by the data centers. The circle is now complete.
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The Fake News Desk
LOCAL GYM REPORTS SIGNIFICANT UPTICK IN MEMBERS WHO JOIN IN JULY “TO BEAT THE HEAT,” IMMEDIATELY PARK THEMSELVES NEXT TO THE WATER FOUNTAIN
A Scottsdale fitness center reported this week a 34% increase in new memberships since July 4th, which management attributes entirely to residents seeking air conditioning rather than exercise, a theory supported by the fact that the facility’s treadmill usage is down while lounge chair occupancy near the water station is up 280%.
“We welcome everyone,” said gym manager Tori Sandoval. “Whatever gets people in the door.” She noted that the new members have been “very consistent” about attendance and “very inconsistent” about actually changing into workout clothes.
Member Craig Bellows, 52, who has visited the gym eleven times since July 5th, confirmed he has not used a single piece of equipment. “I do laps,” he said, gesturing at a path between the juice bar and the water fountain. “Walking counts.”
Bellows said he planned to try a treadmill “once it cools down a bit,” a condition he estimated would occur “around October.” His gym app shows 847 calories burned this month, all from manually tracking the walk from his car.
